So lately I have no idea what to say to anyone. My friends back home are more worried about me than they have been in years. I've been thinking about how reckless and destructive my life is becoming...and I actually cant honestly say that I have any interest in changing it. I've never been closer to my dreams. Yet for some reason I'm not a big fan of my life as of late.

My friendships up here, as much as I love two of my girls, are rather one-sided friendships. Everything up here seems so two dimensional and fake. I have two things in life I absolutely can't stand, children and fakes. I hate people who cant just say what they mean, people who feel that they need to hide things from people, people who think they need to lie to be the person they want to be. I have never lied to get to where I am...well excluding my parents and work...but I never lied to the people I have met. I've never pretended to be someone i'm not.

Sigh but I dont know. I'm rambling. I have no idea what I'm doing. I've sacriificed so much to have the lifeI have, to get where I am now. I'm considering giving up almost everything to continue living the way I want to, with no rules, no real drama, nothing but the music and people I love. Some may have noticed my twitter updates about STL (St. Louis, MO for you people who absolutely fail at life), though only my friends back home cared as far as I can tell. I am quite possibly moving to STL either at the end of the semester or in summer. Jessica and I promised that one day we would get an apartment together and now seems like a good time. Either way its highly unlikely that I will return to FSU after the summer. I have plans for the summer that will get me exactly where i want to be. I'm failing school anyway. I've never liked school, its never been my thing. Sure i got perfect grades all through my life up till now but I hate the whole idea of school.

I've met some interesting people here though, yet there is not a single one of them I couldnt live without as sad as that is. I've met girls who only care about themselves and who have no real interest in your life. I've met boys who have no interest in what I have to say about anything in life, that I have a personality, that I'm actually a person, they just want me for sex or whatever. There is one girl I wish I could be closer with but se's so wrapped up in her own life she has no room left for me. And there is one guy I think I could be great friends with, but we have yet to actually hang out without something, er, more exciting happening.

Honestly I've rewritten this blog about 14 times with various topics before coming back to this one. Its been rather frustrating and probably only Sally can follow it cuz she's the only one who can follow my train of thought.

And so I leave you with this: "You think you're hot, but I'm sorry you're not exactly who you think you are."

xoxo
Me

Oh and I also leave you with these lyrics that have been stuck in my head all fucking day. They are from The Real Thing by my friends in After Midnight Project
I delve for absolution, but my thoughts get distracted by desire
Yea it's all about who you know and it's all about being the biggest star
The sugar keeps us sweet for an hour at a time
All aboard the bullet train

'Cause this is not the real thing
This is not real, is not real

I want it all and I want it now
Pick me up from the ground just to throw me down
I'm scared of you, the one who throws opinions each and every way
You're not real