So life goes on and I've managed to push Matt into the corner of my mind...I just wish he would stay there, or even better, disappear forever. Necto is seriously home to me, I love everyone there and would go crazy without them....I just need to learn how to behave a little better before it gets me in trouble with someone >.< I'm friends with Gary again yay. Most people dont like that fact but whatever. Inga is living with me now. Its interesting. Alison and I are making cupcakes today!!!!!!!!!!!!

Short a.d.d post over <3

I'm sure none of you will be surprised that in true me fashion I've managed to get myself into a very classic Missa situation just a week after getting out of Matthew Hell. In Missa-land, Matthew Hell is of course totally old news and the Nick/Andrew situation is all interesting. Yes there are 2 boys names there. Like I said, classic Missa situation. I'm in my typical i-like-two-boys-and-dont-know-what-to-do senario. Yippie! But the good news is I'm over matt and qiute honestly the boy can fucking go to hell. and he is just that, a boy, incapable of mature behavior.
At least half of my time lately has been dedicated to telling Laura how absolutely delusional and pathetic she is to be more in love with Matt than before. He's still lying and always will. Even her "best friend" agrees she's completely delusional. Its not love, its a fear or change, an addiction. However trying to get her to understand that fact is absolutely impossible.
On a completely different subject, Inga now hates me. I knew she would and I would rrather have her hating with me then with him but it still hurts. The same day she ran away she got into text fight with me. Having my own words thrown back at me hurt a lot. As my best friend she knew exactly what to say to make it hurt most. Ouch. Maybe eventually she's realise why I'm doing this to her.
Sigh. I've been thinking too much and its not good for me.


I miss James lots and lots. I need to be in Boston like now lol


okay i'm too random to write more. None of my thoughts are really complete right now. Buh bye








11 days

It started monday...its now thursday. I should be getting better right? wrong. I just feel worse. Every text hurts. Laura tells me more of what was really going on with them and it just completely breaks me. And i feel absolutelt horrible having to tell her what was really going on with matt and i. I dont want to hurt her. But i'm done lying for him.

I think what hurts most is the fact that he's completely denying Chicago. That kills me. Chicago meant so much to me. Chicago is when I was finally convinced that he really loved me. I was so stupid. I was so happy. We were acting like we were together or something. I'm sure everyone remembers me telling them all about it lol I seriously was so happy. I was so in love with him. He was so concerned about me that weekend, so upset over what i had done with eric, so attentive to what I was feeling. How could that all have just been a lie? But it must have been right? He's denying all of it, even the note that he left on my cell phone. And Laura tells me that he was trying to date her the entire time we were in Chicago. How could I have not noticed? I guess what they say is really true, love does blind you. I remember that weekend so vividly. Every detail. Every second. I cried myself to sleep the night in the hotel room. I couldnt stand seeing them together. I called Inga and texted Sally for an hour hiding out in the hall way all while matt was laying next to laura in bed begging me to come back into the room. I was so upset that night Inga almost drove out to pick me up, but I wanted to see the concert the next day. Thats how bad it was. I remember him texting me that he loved me. texing me that he NEVER wanted to hurt me, that the fact that I was so hurt was "KILLING" him.  i remember walking around chicago at 3am with him and dustin. We held hands the whole time. I'm so stupid. so fucking stupid. i knew better. I knew she was his entire world. I knew it. I just ignored it. what the fuck is wrong with me....

I need to stop. I'm crying to hard right now. Whats more fucked up is both Laura and Tanya are telling me that matt really did care about me. Does that really matter coming from them? He told me he never loved me, that i never meant anything to him. And the way he's acting just supports that. He would never get as upset over me as he is over laura. He doesnt care that he cant talk to me. He really doesnt. I dont see him complaining. You would think if he loved me it would at least hurt him a little that he cant talk to me anymore. The thought of me feeling hurt killed him huh? How bout now? I dont think so

I'm done. I love Laura. She's helped so much. I'm not gonna stop talking to her. Matt can call the cops all the fuck he wants. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm not lying. Everything I'm saying to people is 100% true. What reason do I have to keep up with his lies anymore?

I need a hug. and band aids. now.

The more i talk to her and the more i read her lj posts, the more confused I get. I cant do a thing about it anymore though.

Last night I filed a harassment report against Matt with the police. He can no longer contact me in any way. He is completely gone from my life. Even if I change my mind there is no going back. It hurts. A lot. But its for the best right? I love him. I really do. I know its fucked up but I cant help it. This is so hard. I want him back but I know there is nothing there. He told me he never loved me. That much is clear. You dont threaten and harass someone you love. I've never been scared of anyone before. Not like this. Over the weekend Matt literally terrified me. Matt keeps trying to convince people that I'm a liar. Everything I've said is completely 100% truth. Why would I lie? Lying gets you no where.

I cant believe all the lies I believed. All the things I've found out. Everyone thought he was just lying to her, he wasnt. Everyone feels so bad for her, but not for me. Its fucked up. I'm more hurt by this situation than anyone. She'll go back to him. I wont. I made it so i cant. She's already falling right back into the same game he's been playing with her for 5 years, she's already planning on hanging out with him, its only a matter a time. Maybe they can be happy now that I'm gone. I'll be stronger, I wont go back, I cant.


"Just remember, youre precious and i'll always have a special place in my heart for you." --Matt, March 30, 2009
that note makes me cry every time. I cant bring myself to delete it. I'm fucked up.



So i guess now i try to start to forget? I try to move on? I try to remember what happy was? sigh. I can do this right? 

Tonight was amazing! I was on my way back to Big Rapids when I decided to make a detour to attend the 89X Homeboy Show featuring Evans Blue tonight at Necto. BEST FUCKING DECISION EVER!! I decided that hanging with my lovely Alison was better than studying and I was so right. I ended up winning a pair of tickets to the KORN/A7X/THE USED show that Lynne and I were dying to go to <3 Perfect.

I'm taking a break from my all night study fest to post this. I'm so sick of school. I cant wait for it to be over. Three finals tomorrow then I'm done!!!

In three more days I will be back to my former amazing self...with a few minor changes of course =]
I'm determined to start the summer off right. I kinda lost track of who I was over the course of the past school year and I'm looking forward to getting back to being myself and being happy like I used to be. I have plans for the summer, big plans, and for once I'm going to actually put in major effort to make it all happen. I've always just manipulated situations to work to my advantage but its gotten to the point where i'm finally needing to do things myself. I'm stronger than I used to be, maybe this time I can do it.

On a completely random subject, seeing my grandpa has been one of the hardest things I've had to face in my life. My grandpa and I have always been close. My mother calls him a saint and its seriously true. I always thought of him as the strongest man in my life. Over 80 years old and he was still doing work around the house, going fishing at 6am, golfing all day, fixing random things, doing yard work, living like he was still in his 50's. He put up with my hell of a grandmother for 62 years. Amazing. Seeing him in the state he's currently in is absolutely heartbreaking. I never quite was told exactly what cancer he has but it is a rare blood cancer. He's so weak. He just lays in his chair and sleeps all day. He's completely lost the feeling in his left hand. He has to elevate his left arm to drain the fluid in it and its extremely painful for him. He takes 3 extremely strong painkillers and those aren't even enough. He has his first try at kemo tuesday to see if he can even withstand it. Its most likely that it will make him even more sick...I guess it never occured to me that I could lose him like this, so suddenly and horribly. I thought of him as invincible i guess. I had to "baby sit" him this morning while my grandma relearned how to drive. It was so surreal, I couldnt even do it, I had to have my dad take over while I hid upstairs in the room that my grandparents have always dubbed as mine. I plan on spending as much time with him as i can....

Anyways...I guess i should get back to studying...ick...I'm determined to fix my life this summer though. I really am.

Last night it took a few hours with James to remind me who I am. I needed it. Sometimes you need something like last night to happen to wake you the fuck up and make you take a good look at your life and ask yourself what the fuck you're doing. I mean look at the person I became over the past 2 months. Thats not me. Everyone knows it and everyone kept trying to point it out but I just didnt want to listen. But I'm back.

In a week I'll be back home living with my dad which I've never done before. I'm starting over...again. I'm happy right now. Really I am. Logic would say I shouldnt be but last night just proved to me nothing in the last two months was worth anything in the least. I mean really lol Everyone told me it wasnt worth it. Thats an understatement. Apparently I'm not supposed to be happy. He keeps getting pissed at me cuz I'm over it. So fucking over it. None of it is my fault. I'm forgetting anything ever existed cuz its becoming clearer that really honestly there was nothing.

So I'm remembering who I am and what I live for and I'm happy. Just try to stop me =]


xoxo
Penny Lane










To make say it best "Its better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all"

I'm seriously worried and upset over what has happened in Philadelphia tonight. I'm shocked that someone could be so inhumane, heartless and brutal. Its just not right. I'm so worried about the boys I can think of anything else. They did nothing to deserve the what the cops did to them. They were just trying to do their job. I know these boys, they would never do anything to be so violently beaten like they were. I honestly don't even really know what to say. I'm in shock. Pray for these boys and keep them in you're thoughts. Spread the word. This cannot just be passed over, this is something that people need to be aware of.

Posted by Brendan of Valencia (http://www.valenciamusic.net/site/?p=373)
Tonight at the Bamboozle Road Show I witnessed the worst case of police brutality I’ve ever seen. I’m not sure of the exact story of what happened, all I know is that I walked downstairs and was ready to leave the venue only to see Chris V being pushed back into the venue (from the alley) by 3 cops with billy clubs. They were screaming and pushing him to the ground, threw him down onto a glass bottle that he hit his head on, split it open. He was bleeding everywhere and they still continued to beat him with clubs. They would not stop, even when he was compliant. Everyone was screaming for them to stop, I just could not stop yelling, I was so angry. I wanted so bad to have us all go over and pull them off of him, but no one could or we’d be next. Finally they stopped and dragged him outside after a pint of blood left his head and was all over the stage of the TLA. After everything was calmed down a bit, I saw my good friend Ian Planet being shoved inside, slammed into a brick wall, his cell phone thrown across the room and his face shoved onto the concrete floor all because he wanted to go outside and finish his job. The same happened to T-Fair right out back as well.      
            I honestly felt like I could throw up from the utter lack of respect for humanity and compassion. I couldn’t believe what i was seeing. Ian Planet is the last person who would ever instigate or start fights, plus he weights about as much as me… why did they need 3 cops to throw him around and beat him? The answer is: they didn’t. It was all unnecessary. All of this was just examples of cops abusing their power. They wanted the bands to move their busses and vans, even though they weren’t finished loading up. They really just wanted to start fights and write tickets and make some money. The wanted to be the heroes of the police station that ticketed all these busses and made the city a few extra dollars from some “dumb punk kids” or however they get their kicks. It didn’t need to go any further than them walking away or even just giving the ticket and walking away, but they had to be on a power trip. The kept keep instigating until it escalated into them using their power to get their rage and anger out on people who didn’t deserve it.
             After all of this happened and it was clear the cops weren’t going to be reasoned with and people were to “stay out of the alley for get arrested” I made my way back home. The ambulances were on their way and no one was to go near the detainees. I went to go get my bike (that was less than a block away from where this was all happening) and it was Stolen. My bike was stolen off of busy south street because the cops were too busy beating up innocent people behind the TLA to protect & serve right out front. I was even more angry and fuming on my walk home, when I heard my name being shouted. It was Ian Planet sitting in the back of a cop car. He was so upset and it was such a heartbreaking thing to see your friend, who did nothing wrong, handcuffed in a cop car. I wasn’t even allowed to talk to him. The cops were shoo-ing me away. Not allowed to talk to my friend and let him know that I gave his cell phone to his friends and they were on their way to bail him out. Not allowed. I couldn’t believe it. I got halfway home and was even more upset about it that I turned right around and went to get Ian or at least make sure he knew what was going on. By the time I got there they had taken him into the station. I really felt so awful. It was the 4th time in one night when there was nothing I could do or even say to help a friend.
                  What I want to know is how these cops can justify going home to their wives and telling them the story of how they beat these kids senseless for no reason. The bigger issue is that I’m sure they can spin it someway to make sense in their head that it was okay to beat up a weaponless, defenseless, kid just trying to do his job or to hospitalize someone. They can also somehow justify continuing to hit someone with nightsticks who has a serious injury and needs medical attention OVER A PARKING TICKET. The serious flaw in the system is that it’s okay for this to happen. The law works so that this can happen and that it’s illegal to “disobey an officer of the law” even if his orders are out of line you have to follow it or you will get arrested. It’s just crazy that people with such a complex (that needs to be using their power this way just to feel important) can be given so much power and that it’s almost a never ending cycle. You see this stuff all the time on tv, american cops using their power to get their jollies and channel their stress from work or their rage out onto innocent people. It’s horrible and I wish there was a way to screen these people. A way to figure out their rage issues and find out if their stress can manifest itself into an incident like this instead of just hiring anyone and giving them so much power and hoping for the best. I guess it would be extremely difficult to predict things like this but, it happens far too often and needs to stop, something should be done. 
                   What a night. Sorry for such a long post but I couldn’t let this go. I’ve been sitting here seething and had to let everyone know. Such an awful thing to witness, I never want to see that again. Tonight I am ashamed to be a part of this city.

A photo of Chris' blood spilled on the stage was posted by Travis of We The Kings
http://twitpic.com/434g7

Videos are always starting to appear on youtube and myspace:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09Lu7Lu5Dlk
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=56483874

This is truly saddening and what's even more disappointing and hurtful is the comments left on absolutepunk.net about the incident. People saying they deserved this. Just because they don't like the band the boys worked for. Its sickening. People are heartless. I'm impatiently waiting to hear that everyone is okay while people are bashing them in a thread. Its just not right. They did nothing to deserve this. I know these boys. They did nothing wrong

For all of you that cant read my actual post, here's pretty much a summary::


you took it back
how could you go and do something like that
my fingernail phase
worst has got the best of you
I ask you and I know I need to change
change

you took it back
you ripped my heart out of me then you put it back
I'm pulling my hair
I let you just a million times
I love you even though it isn't fair

run we go round again in circles
play this game over again
run we go round again in circles

</3

I'm so glad that your lipsticks on,
Back seat of your best friends car,
Well we were onto something here.
Oh no wait you will call it off and space is on the cards,
Who'd drink to that, I wont drink to that.
Oh Over hill will you teach me the games that you play so well
And I'll drink to that, who'll drink to that?

You've made your bed, so sleep in it, and never call me again.
You've made your bed, so sleep with him,
But know I'm the best you'll get.
I wrote this song so you would know why i look up to everyone.

Here's a list of the things you said and i wont get over it,
You want to know, you, want to know and.
The games that girls will play,
Makes me move away so i can train,
Train myself to trust again.
Oh Over hill will you teach me the games you play so well and,
I'll drink to that, who'll drink to that?

Are you on or off? You on or,

I wrote this song so you would know why i look up to everyone.

These words will convince you to never love again,
You want to be friends, i wont do it.
These words will convince you to never sleep with me again,
You want to be friends, i can't do it.

Note to self:: Never fall for anyone

For the past almost 5 years there has been one friend that has been there for me and always ready to help me out. I would so be completely lost without my Kamber. Today it kinda hit me how much she's done for me and how absolutely amazing she is for putting up with me all these years. We all know I'm not easy to deal with in the least. Every time I have drama or need advice I always turn to Kammie. She always has some realistic advice and doesnt sugarcoat things. She's exactl the kind of person I needed as my best friend. She tells me when I'm being retarded and reckless and destructive and tells me to do something about it. She puts up with all my shit which i think she should get like medals and awards for. I honestly do not know what i would do without her. I love love love love my best friend!! Thanks for putting up with me!!!!! You're the most amazing person in the universe <33333

Sigh. I've finally been able to admit some things to myself this past week that I'd always tried to deny before. I can finally admit that as much as I would love to believe that love does not exist, I am in love and have been for quite sometime. Kamber of course will know exactly what I am talking about.

Thusday I drove four hours to Chicago for and amazing night with my favourite band in the world, Josephine Collective and Dillon <3 I wish I could have mornings like the one i had friday every day fr he rest of my life. It was perfect. <3 I'm so happy now its ridiculous. Just seeing him for 2 days has this much of an effect on me. Its insane. I'm insane.
Kamber it just want the same without you though. I need you!!! and you should've seen everything!! not through rrandom text messages. and I wish you wouldve been there to fucking kick Brian's ass!!!

Anyways....

My lovely friend Rosie just texted me. We've been friends since I was 2 years old. Her baby is due this wednesday and she just texted me the name: Adriana Marilyn Nelson. <3 Its pretty much amazing. I cant believe my Rosalee is having a baby girl in less than a week!!!

Sigh. Anyways. I cant think of what to type today for some reason.
I love you all!!!

xoxo
Missa
<3

Emily!!!! Justfor you I am going to start updating this more. I know I keep saying that but this time I'm gonna really try. I miss my Emmy, Kammie, and Stephie!!! Someone needs to get Stephie to update more now too!!!
Emmy you're so right, this is a perfect way to keep up with whats going on with everyone <3

xoxo
Missa
<3

Ello lovelies. Its been lik a month since I've updated >.< Between finals, people breaking my heart, and the holidays I haven't had much time to post anything. So just a warning, this will be a fairly long update lol. Prepare yourself.

So finals sucked. I was pretty distracted due to stupid bitched and the guy i was stupid enough to letmyself fall for getting engaged. Kinda was all a shok to the system. But anyways, I completed my first semester at Ferris with a 1.74 GPA setting a new record low for my academic career. I failed Math 115 and Orientation to Honors. I'm just that amazing. So I am starting the new semester on academic probaion. yippie. However I'm optomistic about this semester. I only have class on tuesdays and thursdays. So far I love my classes with the excepion of Econ. My advertising prof is fucking epic. more about him later lol Anyways, enough about school...

My holiday break was a mix of work at the best place ever, friends, new boy, confusion, and heartbreak. yay. To kinda explain my break in a roundabout kind of way these are the stars of my holidays::

Zack: sigh. the boy who managed to do so much fucking damaged in just two weeks. Congratulations Zack. I met him at work. He was wicked awesome and oh so cute with the mohawk and the gauges and all the tats. I fell for him pretty fast (faster than usual) and I got my heart ripped to shreds even faster. It was great for like five days. We had some fun, some firsts, he ws my idea of perfection. Then something happened (still dont know what) and everything went to hell. He said I chaned. What the fuck ever. He was the one sleeping with someone the fucking whore dating my friend. I ended my break by almost punching him in the face.

Alison: My best frind. We had far to much fun going to Build A Bear and making cupcakes for Joel. i misses her a lot a lot. We're amazing.

Michelle: My bestest co-worker/friend. I love her and her two year old daughter, Jasmine, to death. She has been a life saver these past couple weeks. She's really been looking out for me with this whole Zack fiasco. Kareoke nights are the best <3

Alex: My stalker....I was pissed at Zack one night and out of spite I made out with Alex and *poof* suddenly Marissa has gaind her very own stalker. I never would've guess he'd be the type to send me a zillion texts a day that were all fucking creepy as hell. I'm hoping i managed to get rid of him.

James: He may not have actually been there, but pretty much every time I was upset he was the one who cheered me up, whether he realised it or not. I just had to text James and he'd make everything make sense =] He's become a really good friend to me these days.

Tucker: My favouritest person in the world. My favouritest person to wrk with and pass notes to =] Hes only 17, but he's like completely epic. And he's absolutely adorable. He's my shiney new toy, which he has absolutely no problem with lol. Zack actually informed me today that he heard through the grapevine that Tucker "digs on" me  <3 YAY! I'm going to Madina Lake with him <3 Me es happy =]

So yeah, that was my holiday break pretty much.

In other news, I'm working on putting together my Winter/Spring '09 tour schedule. Its gonna be epic. Watch for it on my myspace and facebook. Also, starting today I have swworn off boys. However there a couple boys who are an exception to this due to them pre-dating this ban lol Tucker and Dillon mainly, though there is one other guy I'm debating making an exception. I've already failed once this semester at my resolution so I'm even more determined to prove i can do it. =]

I see the love of my life in 14 days <3 I miss him so fucking much. He's fnally going to get the chance to prperly dedicate my song to me <3 4th times a charm right? lol Totally wort missing Secondhand Serenade and Cute and White Tie Affair for!

Thats all for now I guess.

LOVE YOU ALL!! MISS YOU!!!
xoxo
<3
Miss Penny Lane =] 

...who makes me feel like I'm not alone. I can almost always understand him and he can understand me. Dillon Teauge DeVoe. After my entry that was posted about 20 minutes ago, I began reading Dillon's latest two blogs.
For those of you unable to read the post that actually matters [its friends only], here are some things Dillon wrote that I can relate with.

--"If I come off convoluted, it's cause I'm being honest. My head is a mess. A jumbo jet crash. A train station stabbing in the dark..."

--"I do not want to live afraid of everything. There are things that should fill me with fear, but don't. There are things that fill me with fear that shouldn't. In the end, my fears will be the death of me
This is why I see that life internal is life without regret. Get it off your chest and fly. Be weighty or be weightless. Roll with the punches. When you're down and out, stand and deliver."

--"That's what happens when you get too close to people. You see their bullshit. You see them for who they really are. "

--"Sadness follows me. I miss opportunities every day. I give myself a hollow smile on the inside and say, "maybe next time." "

--"I don't know what love means. We fool ourselves into thinking love is real. It's a real strong attraction. A real strong bond. But what's it mean in the end? I guess it could mean sleep. I have nothing left inside of my heart. My mind is also empty. Today I declare myself empty. I am asleep at the wheel. This provides an interesting theory: I am so empty I could be filled."

--"I am full of my addictions and my vices galore. I have to do what I do and stop questioning the process. I am stumbling blindly into the night to find the light of happiness. I will see you never again. I will see you again."

...So for those of you who don't have the prevelege of knowing exactly what i'm thinking, you atleast now have an idea.

On a slightly related note, I miss Dillon like crazy. I don't understand why he's in a certain situation at the moment, but I know him well enough to know he has his reasons. Quite honestly, I love this boy, and every time I see him I know he loves me, though in what way I'm never really certain. I know that I'll have him forever, no matter what befalls us or how successful he becomes. I'll always have our memories there to lift me up in times like these where all I have to do is remember him singing to me like I was something. The sound of his voice is instantly calming to me. It feels like everything i need. I absolutely cannot wait until I see my friend again.